|so many epiphanies, my head wants to explode. it's finally time to grow the fuck up. i'm 32 and about to be financially independent from my parents for the first time in my life. that is the final step of independence, right- being completely free from your parents? i stopped relying on them for emotional support a long time ago. what a long, fucking road that has been- filled with exploration, adventures, mistakes, bad decisions, indulgence, recklessness, curiosity, and hopefully some wisdom and golden nuggets along the way. |
this is what needed to happen for me to finally accept something that has been a long time coming. i've been so resistant to becoming an adult and subconsciously attracted others who were in the same emotional and developmental stage as me- other single urban twenty- and thirty-somethings who enjoy living recklessly and indulgently, going out, eating well, having fun, partying, reveling in friendships old and new, and trying out new places in our beloved city. but something was starting not to feel right. as the tarot cards indicated at the beginning of the year, there was a false sense of contentment and a feeling of stuckness that was perpetuated by my impulsivity and naivete. and as some of my firmly held belief structures were breaking down, i became more and more uncomfortable trying to hold onto a life that no longer fit.
just as how someone's bedroom can be a glimpse inside her head, one's intimate relationship is a reflection of where she is in life. i see that so much more clearly now. as if the lightbulb was turned on suddenly to illuminate the truths i felt in my heart before i knew. growth is a spiritual choice.
so the tarot interpretations of soul transformation, freshness, renewal, and hope have finally crystallized into consciousness and will become the theme for me this new year- 2013. hope has always been a constant in my life but there's been a stirring and a shift in my soul.
it's time to let go-
of the fears, doubts, and anxieties that hold me back from living the life i want to create. i have to let go of the expectations, acknowledge the uncertainties, and have faith in the things i may not know for certain but believe to be true.
trust. learn the ability to trust.
the tape playing back in my head, this past year has shown me what it's like if i continue to approach life with such a fearful lens, questioning everything and committing to nothing. i have so much anxiety that it overwhelms me from really taking a chance, taking a risk, taking a leap of faith in something that may be as intangible and uncertain as love. there is a discernible pattern to my dating habits if you look more closely. for the past few years, i have chosen (subconsciously?) to date guys who tend to be young at heart, or in other contexts- immature for their age. why? because it perfectly matched where i was in life.
and then today, it became all too perfectly clear- i was no longer deluded by my romantic illusions of life and love. with enough distance, i was able to see the whole picture- what it was versus what i wanted it to look like.
then i thought to myself- this isn't what i want. time for something different. not just in terms of relationships but a change in perspective, a shift in focus on what is meaningful to me, what i pay attention to, and how i want to live my life.
i've got some growing up to do.